internope/six weeks

You know how sometimes it seems like you've seen everything the internet has to offer? You get online and visit the same four websites over and over, and after awhile you're just like, yo internet, I'm over you making me feel inadequate because I think diy soap looks too hard. And how many heartwarming facts about the cast of The Princess Bride can there be?

Answer: a lot. There can be a lot. Example: André the Giant's hands were so big that one of them could completely cover Robin Wright's head. So whenever the weather was too cold for her during filming, he would just put a hand on her head to warm her up. I mean...

I just can't.

But guess what? When you're pregnant, a whole new realm of the internet opens up before you! And it's full of information that you would not have given one little shit about two weeks ago. Curious about how quickly that little bundle of cells is changing inside you? Babycenter, girlfriend. Want to pick a side in the brutal cloth v. disposable diaper debates? (Spoiler: you do not.) Want to learn about rare and upsetting birth defects? Wikipedia, doi! Want to watch videos of ladies giving birth? Well, I'm sorry, but I can't help you. That shit's terrifying! Maybe try youtube. If you're not pregnant, I suggest having a stiff drink nearby. Need a recipe? That's what the internet's there for, dummy! JFGI!

The problem with this, aside from the obvious terror-spiral you will send yourself into if you get sucked into the scarier information, is that it's really hard to sift through what is important, interesting information and what is just opinion and nonsense. That's kind of the problem with the internet in general, but it feels especially poignant now. I know I have some instincts about children and their well-being, but too much time on any one website leaves me feeling like any unlucky baby to end up in my care is almost certainly doomed. But moreover, on every website I've checked out, I find there is a subtle undercurrent of false security that I can't identify with, and it goes like this:

Everything will be fine, because in the end you are going to be a mother. And that will make it all worthwhile.

That is a lovely, uplifting sentiment. But for those of us in my situation, who never wanted to be mothers, and who have a hard time even applying that term to our lives, it is a real downer. It makes me feel cruel and unfeeling, because I don't feel any connection to the chocolate chip-sized organism growing inside me. Biology seems to suggest that I will, and my friends and family assure me that eventually I will get there, but for now I can't fake an attachment that I don't feel. And I shouldn't have to.

I'm sure it will happen, and that in due time some website greeting me with a cheery "Congratulations, Mommy!" doesn't make me involuntarily scowl. But until then, maybe it's time to stay off the internet for awhile. Or at least go back to websites like Pinterest, that only make me feel inadequate on a domestic level. 

One of the ingredients for this soap is soap, for fuck's sake, and I still don't want to.